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Tuesday, January 28, 2014

.blerg.


        Today while hiking I came to the realization that I would like to die by way of a rogue wave. Preferably when my hoped for children are all acclimated with their adult lives. Don't worry, dear lone reader, it's not horribly morbid, it's actually something that weirdly comforts me as a person who leans to the side of Buddhism. I feel like awareness of impermanence is something that makes my life (for the most part) more intentional.
        I guess my point is that a really emotional song shuffled it's way into my headphones which made me think of my parents and then consequentially my horribly empty love life. More specifically, the numerous people I've recently dated who have realized they are still in love with their former lady. Oh Kate, you're so amazing. You deserve the world. Blah blah blah.
       I saw Eric. It was horribly formal.
       I can't blame my sister for making me watch this a million times as an impressionable child. Actually, I guess it's made me fairly discerning. For the most part, I'm pretty hopeful but sometimes I turn to two buck Chuck, this blog, and old episodes of Six Feet Under...and maybe someone out there understands.



Saturday, January 4, 2014

it's 2014.
i'm excited for all that's ahead.
obtaining my master's degree, climbing large mountains, and living every day authentically.
okay, okay.
but let's be real.
it's a saturday night.
in three hours, a guy i briefly dated will kindly drive me to see anchorman 2 since i refuse to drive if i've even had a sip of alcohol.
so, i will see my favorite movie in a sequel and get dropped safely back home by a guy who no longer guesses or truly really even cares what my kiss might be like and i will fall asleep with the help of a very good friend, ambien.
world, here is my truth.
i miss eric.
i miss eric in leaps, bounds, pounds, inches, screams, miles, oceans, paragraphs, stanzas, chapters, and acres.
finally, after 35 years, i meet the person who appears to be my other half and lo and behold...
he doesn't feel the same way.
rejection is hard but folks, it's not my first time around the block.
but eric, whoever is lucky enough to make your walls fall down,
well,
she is truly blessed.
blessed to eat your eggs, watch your silent films, laugh at your puns, yell on the back of your motorcycle, sing to your 1940s jazz.
i'm okay being solo.
i'm okay as a party of one.
i'd rather be a party of one having known such cohension then be a lonely party of two.
i'm yours til niagara falls and thank goodness you have no idea i ever blogged.
happy happy new year y'all.


Saturday, November 9, 2013


       Today I googled images of Ridgefield since it has recently occured to me that I am world's apart from the girl I once knew. I can tell you about that bench. I know that if you swished those leaves aside and sat on some newspaper your pants would stay dry. It's probably cold enough to observe the clouds from your exhales and most likely a squirrel is somewhere on the periphery acorn hunting. I hope I can always remember that. No matter how nutty my circumstances get, I can always close my eyes and find peace.
And who knew that it would take 36 years to realize the amazing peace of that there bench. Thank you Connecticut.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Back to Square One.



      Currently, I have my rose quartz handy. Tomorrow I'm getting a detoxifying massage. The fourth season of Parks and Rec is on repeat. I've cried long and hard. Malbec is in my cup. My sage candles are burning. My journal is waiting for my pen to greet it once again and I am spent. 
      The last two months have been a roller coaster and as you might know, dear reader, I've only been on one actual roller coaster in my entire life and it was a kiddie version.
       I learned a lot from this journey. Most of all, I learned that in the end I need to take care of me. Most of all, I learned that I absolutely in some shape or form want a family. I want homework and breakfasts and meltdowns and late night pats. I want diapers and teething and tantrums and trick or treating. 
      So thank you, recent situation, for making me realize that my goals are important and worthy.
      I still have hope. I know, above all, I will still always have movies.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

by way of the green line bus



       In the end, all I want is to have a musical background to my reunions with a star crossed love. Is that too much to ask universe? These days, I feel healthier than I have in some time. I am fully utilizing the myriad of benefits associated with a gym pass and even have attempted a few classes. I am living within my budget and eating mostly clean food for fuel rather than to band aid emotions. I am doing my best to identify my emotions. During the summer, most people relish the unstructured moments but I approach them with hesitation. Because typically, this gives me time to ruminate on ,well, my loneliness.
       And I don't miss you so much anymore. Except sometimes, when I'm washing my hands, all of a sudden, I look down and the story of your life drawn in ink across forearms is splattered across mine. Weird. I see your tattoos as if it were my own hands and then they are gone and I move on.
       I think how lonely it must be for you some nights. I wonder if you've finally finished watching all the movies from the 20s and the 30s are flickering across your screen.
       The hardest part is that I can't angrily associate a Beyonce breakup song with you to sing along fervently with in my car. The hardest part is the fact that you genuinely got me. If only we had been high school lab partners rather than two people tip toeing through dating. It would have been bittersweet rather than rejection.
       I know how this goes. More time will pass and I'll have to remember that we actually really did occur. I wonder if I'll still picture your forearms years from now. I wonder if the smell of coffee will still signify your presence.
       I have a brand spanking new coffee shop crush which by all means I should have talked to by now. "He's so sweet," said the enthusiastic barista. "Do you want me to put a good word in?" To her surprise, I declined.
"Not yet."
The possibility in the space between a gaze and a word.
The lovely whispers that air allows between us.
And I notice so clearly how much he resembles you and maybe
that's why it's better left existing in the atmosphere.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

(hello old friend)

It's officially the third weirdest day I've ever had.
Last night, we went out for my birthday.
I got to your house and you were in a three piece suit.
You had flowers, and Muppet DVDS, Werther's Candies, and a brand new bag for me to love.
We went to an amazing restaurant and held hands under the table.
You told me you were going to the bathroom but secretly told the waitress it was my birthday.
And watched me as I blew out the candle.
We fell asleep like parentheses until we woke up.
Finally.
Spontaneously.
Quietly.
I told you.
"I love you."
Five times.
Then you floundered.
"Thanks for opening up to me....
"I just....I can't...it's so hard....I care so much for you....do you want to talk?"
"Nope." I replied and somehow immediately fell asleep.
This morning was as awkward as anyone reading this would imagine.
Your tire was flat so I had to drive you to work.
You still kissed me goodbye.
You still reached over to hold me the minute before the alarm went off in the morning.
I still remember how I loved you the moment after we parted the very first time and I will always secretly find it ironic that this was the first song we talked about.
Hello 36, the year I speak my truth always,



Saturday, May 4, 2013

Happy Birthday Self

In a few short days, I will be 36.
And also...my favorite show of all time, The Office, will end.
My sweet eldest nephew will shortly get married.
My sister will be closer to 50.
My hair will turn a bit whiter.
I'm having a hard time turning 36.
Not going to sugar coat it or pretend I'm so secure about getting older.
Nope, the reality is. I sit back and feel like ten years have passed and the person I was thought I would be is much different.
See, I thought I would be married with at least 4 kids by now.
My husband would be my best friend.
My kids would be three boys and a girl.
Makai, Gavin, Milo, and Stella (in case you were wondering)
But life, as millions of people have pointed out, isn't predictable.
And that's ok because...
1. I have 30 students that make my life incredibly meaningful
2. I have made amazing friends that I am so grateful
3. Somebody pays me to teach yoga ;)
4. I have a very sweet valentine that is helping me break down my VERY high love walls
5. I still have dance parties with myself to the Basement Jaxx
6. I can finally cook a pretty decent meal
7. Kandice is back in America for a few weeks
8. My summer job is super fulfilling
9. I can finally afford a new pair of glasses, hello 2013, nice to meet me.
10. My parents are for the most part healthy.
11. My nephews and nieces are beautiful beings.
12. My siblings are all so healthy.
13. I can still find my way back to Grand Central no matter where I am dropped in New York City.
14. I can finally find my way back to the start in the middle of the Sonoran desert.
15. I can still swim in the Atlantic Ocean during high tide.
16. I am able to paint and take pictures that inspire me.
17. Did I mention that I am finally dating someone who is on my same wavelength?
18. On that note, I can run into Matt at Target and literally feel nothing. I mean nothing but empathy for myself for being stuck in heartache for WAY too long.
19. I still have crazy long hair even though I thought I would have cut it by now.
20. My bracelets still fit and are not overly stretched out.
21. I still love playing loud New York rap in my 16 year old car.
22. I can finally speak my mind wholeheartedly and without qualms.
23. I sometimes fall asleep at 8:30 and am totally ok with that.
24. I can still consistently keep up at hot yoga.
25. I am saving money so that one day, I can be ready to adopt or foster.
26. Oh yeah? Did I mention I can't wait to foster? And I am looking primarily for kids who are older and have disabilities because my path has shown me that we connect.
27. Alright. Seriously, I adore this man who happens to want to hang with me consistently.
28. I still wear my 20 year old pair of army green cargo gigantic pants around Tempe and feel 100% okay with that.
29. I can still do an ollie on a skateboard.
30. I can still do a few cartwheels.
31. I still carry my Tatum. Well, let's be honest, I will do that until I'm in my 80s and she's in her 50s.
32. I still find inspiration in the way light falls in a room
33. I can still climb up rocks like my dad taught me.
34. I can still sing all the lyrics to any Ani Difranco song you play.
35. I still do street art in a totally legal way.
36. I am, and will always always be, the biggest Beastie Boys fan you know. And yes, Paul's Boutique is their best album.

Thanks body for putting up with me and I look forward to our next 36 years.